Do Memorials Help?

Memorials take many forms but what they share is their importance in providing a focus for our grief.

What is a memorial?

A memorial is something that acknowledges the life of the person we have lost. They can take lots of different forms, everything from the Taj Mahal in India to a park bench with a few words on it, as well as more formal memorials in graveyards and memorial gardens.

Memorials help us grieve. They provide a place where we can go when we want to remember the person we have lost. A place where it’s easier to get in touch with memories and emotions. They become particularly important on anniversaries or when want an opportunity to acknowledge our grief collectively with others..

What if there is no memorial?

If we don’t have a formal memorial, there are ways we can create something for ourselves. One way is to start by thinking about a place which we know was important to the deceased, a place which brings us closer to our experience of them. Can this become our memorial place?

Alternatively we may treasure an object that was important to the deceased, a book or picture perhaps; it may be something quite unique to the individual. Keeping this in a particular place gives us the opportunity to use it as a way of getting in touch with our sense of loss. Sometimes several things may suggest themselves so we can create a memory box of such things.

Allowing space for our emotional reaction

Memorials are often helpful and provide a sense of comfort in difficult times. However, they can also give rise to some more difficult and complicated reactions which can be hard to acknowledge.

First, it could be that when our grief is very raw, we cannot face going to the memorial. It’s just too painful to do so. Or perhaps our relationship with the deceased was difficult at times, so going to a memorial brings up mixed feelings. Whatever the reason, its important to allow ourselves our feelings and not simply think we must use a memorial as others do.

Second, there may come a time when we dont feel the need to go to the memorial as often. And now we may start to feel guilt, that somehow we should be going, that we should be remembering. However, our grief changes over time and one of the changes is that we start to internalise our sense of the person lost; our sense of loss is still there but its changed. We haven’t somehow forgotten the person we have lost; we carry them with us in a different way.