Why Can’t I Cry?

We may recognise that we have experienced a fundamental loss and yet be confused because we are unable to cry. The answer is both to recognise that there are many different ways to experience sadness but also to understand what lies behind our difficulty with tears. In the end the tears may or may not come, but we can learn to trust our ability to grieve.

Why do we cry?

Crying provides a bodily expression of the sadness we feel. And so our sadness becomes more real. Tears allow us to discharge the sadness in a helpful way and we are likely to feel a sense of release from our sadness, at least for the moment. To cry is also to communicate with others; it enables them to understand how we are feeling and to act accordingly.

So crying is natural and often helpful, but is it essential? I would argue not. I think we can experience sadness in our body in various ways, not just through crying. For example, there may be a sense of depletion, or emptiness, in our chest. So we may still be experiencing sadness, and be able to recognise that in our body, without the tears..

But why can’t I cry?

There are two potential reasons why you can’t cry.

First, we may have been taught in growing up that crying just isn’t the way to behave. The most obvious example of this is that in our own culture men aren’t encouraged to cry - ‘boys don’t cry’. This may be changing, but there are plenty of men, and some women, for whom this remains the case.

Second, our primary way of relating, our attachment style, may be the ‘avoidant attachment’ pattern. This means that we learnt from our caregivers to keep a very consistent emotional distance from others and part of that is not showing emotions to others; it would feel very risky to do so.

It’s possible as well that we may have ambiguous feelings about the person we have lost. An example would be the person grieving was abused by the person who has died. In this situation, it’s important to recognise that there is part of us that simply doesn’t want to grieve the loss; and to give that part of ourself permission to have those feelings. If we can do that, we can also begin to recognise that part of us which is saddened by the loss.

So what do I do?

There are several things we can do in this situation.

The first, and most important, is to recognise our own feelings. That means recognising that we are grieving but also that we feel frustrated and confused by our struggle to cry. That gives us some time and space to begin to recognise what it is in our own history which makes crying more difficult for us.

If we want to take it further, we can begin to work with our experience of sadness in our body, particularly in our chest, throat and face. Can we feel the sense of our body’s desire to express sadness as it works its way upwards? If we can then we can begin to see where our body shuts down the possibility of this ending in tears, often around the throat area. Over time we can notice this easing and perhaps a little tearfulness emerges. Being gentle with ourselves is key.